Here is a huge bit of transparency from me… Before starting and launching this blog, my life was in pieces. Several fractured pieces of grief, stress, anxiety, exhaustion, excitement, and even some clarity. The month of July, post COVID-19 was both good and bad for me. You see, I have suffered with anxiety most my life due to traumatic events and even some moments where I wasn’t trusting in God as I had hoped I would. The moment July 5th came creeping on me, I had this eerie yet heavy feeling of discernment that July would prove itself to pull me mentally and emotionally into several places. On July 5, 2018 while getting ready to board my first helicopter ride, I received a call from my now deceased brother’s partner that my brother had been hospitalized with Pulmonary Embolisms but was headed for a procedure that was supposed to dissolve and eliminate blood clots from forming further. In that very moment, I could no longer be as excited and joyful as I wanted to be about my helicopter ride. Which by the way was so dope and beautiful minus me vomiting while in the air from the anxiety that had built up from the call I had gotten regarding my brother (my closest sibling). Needless to say, my brother fought hard for his life but surrendered to his call into eternity with our Incredible Father and Creator God on July 19, 2018. So each year since his passing, I often get sad as the days build up towards getting to his death date. This year was no different only my life was not the only thing in pieces but our world and country was also in pieces due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
Fast forwarding a little to July 7, 2020 when I woke up feeling fine and proceeded to work yet after a couple of hours within my shift, I began feeling ill. I first recalled feeling nauseous, fatigued, having some muscle aches and was also having a headache. Not knowing what was happening to my body, I contacted my HR team and inquired about whatever appropriate protocols and procedures were in place for individuals like myself that wanted to be screened for the COVID-19 virus and was told to go home and take care of myself. I felt ill for 2 and a half days and decided to go and get screened for the virus on July 10th. I quarantined until my results came in and felt so much better and well however, I discovered during my quarantine time that God needed me to use that time to activate and pursue my gifts, calling and passion which is part of what leads me here to this very moment and this blog. I spent a lot of time talking to and listening to God and was amazed at what revelations and clarity I was getting. I even feel that God foretold and prepared me that I would test positive for COVID a couple of days before my results came in. On July 17th, I received a call from Baptist Medical Group confirming with me that I did indeed test positive and needed to remain in quarantine with my entire household which is only my children and I but I had just picked my mom up for an overnight stay just moments before the call came in. Now comes my further fractures and shatters as everything sinks into my mind, heart and spirit that my world was far from over but was most definitely being twisted and turned financially and health wise. So at that time, I was confined to my bedroom and received such an enormous grain of love and support from my family, friends and coworkers but I was also being called without any regard to my life and health by a couple of family members looking for me to be their personal ATM’s. Lord… Why did those calls come in because I became livid and beyond a sense of calm. I had begun to release my anger and wrath on anything and anyone in my way which was unfortunately my mom and children. I apologized later but then realized also that I was enduring all of these outburst and rage because I had become exhausted and overwhelmed by having to take care of others during a time that I really needed solitude and self care. Having to or feeling like I had to hold things up and together for others and adults at that was just too much for me in that moment and my anxiety had kicked into full gear and was driving me straight off a cliff. Oh, and if you thought that was all I had to endure in that month you are so wrong. I had also incurred a major plumbing issue in my home where I was told it would take approximately $4700 to fix. Then after being off work and in quarantine for 2 and a half weeks… the day I was returning to work on July 28th, a guy hit my truck and took off without giving me any of his information leaving me to come out of pocket along with my insurance from the hit and run accident.
It was not until yesterday August 14th (Healed and COVID-19 free) that I completely surrendered my mind and heart to the hands of God and sought my inner peace. I had to come to the understanding that mentally and emotionally, I had been in a very vulnerable and volatile space with my mental and spiritual health. God had been there with me and had been comforting and preparing me in so many ways but because situation after situation and life was not letting up on me with pressure, my anxiety continued to build until I stood toe to toe with it and decided to push up while it was pressing down on me. Praise God for His mercy, grace and strength because I could not have gotten to this place of inner peace without Him! These are all the reasons why it is important to be rooted and grounded in having a relationship with Him because He will lead, teach and equip us to win any battle we face. Oftentimes my battle has been within me. In this case I see that I will never be at peace outwardly if I am not at peace inwardly. We will oftentimes have to sit, stand or be alone or block out others in order to take care of ourselves. It is without a doubt imperative that we remember that we can always seek inner peace when our lives are in pieces. God himself is the key to our inner peace as He gave us His only begotten son (John 3:16) Jesus whom himself left His Holy Spirit here with us (John 16:7-15).
May our lessons be plenty and our journeys be joyous and beautiful!
God Bless 😘